Dear Leaders Oral Examination

Somebody pointed out to me recently, and I am sorry I forget who it was, that Dear Leader David Cameron seems to have only two possible positions for his mouth. In our first picture, we see that the lovely, shiny face of our glorious leader appears to have almost no lips. This is an important move for any politician to learn. It is how the delightfully moisturised David stops people thinking he is lying again. He well knows the old saying that you can tell a politician is lying if you can see his lips moving, and attempts to appear to have no lips at all.



Meanwhile, here is a picture of Kim Jong Il, attempting the same thing, even though he had already convinced the population of North Korea that he always spoke the truth. He achieved this by having anyone that thought otherwise killed. There are those, however, who believe this is actually his imitation of Frankie Howerd.

 This more recent model in the Kim Jong range has also not quite got it right, as the amount of tension around his mouth shows. In fact, he looks pretty angry. That left eye suggests he's about to have some people killed for whatever they just did. 

You might imagine that this makes him a nastier person than the Delicious Dave, but Dave's spending cuts have killed a lot of people too, although he is too modest to boast openly about it.



And that brings us round to the subject of the second in Dear Leader Dave's gamut of lip positions. I call it the Sex Doll Mouth, for reasons that are only too horribly obvious, if you have seen one of those inflatable ladies. Here's Kim Jong Un's attempt. It fails, because we can see far too many rather frightening teeth, and the lips are not sufficiently extended. Also, that frown! Has somebody else gone and annoyed him? Oh Dear! (See what I did?)

 The Sex Doll Mouth is a surprisingly common thing in photographs of politicians, it turns out. Ed Miliband is shown doing it here, although he may merely be observing the approach of a threatening looking bacon sandwich. That seems likely, in fact, as we can still see teeth.








But the Dear Leader with the most perfectly executed Sex Doll Mouth that I have seen, so far, has to be our very own Dearly Beloved Leader, Callmedave Cameron. To be fair, he's putting a lot of effort into this, as you can see from the frown, and the way his eyes point ever so slightly outwards. Notice also the cunning attempt to convince you he is honest, with those artfully displayed, undyed grey hairs in the imitation Harold Macmillan hairstyle.

It almost makes you want to shove something cylindrical in there, doesn't it?

The Dear Leader Hairstyle

North Korea's Dear Leader, Kim Jong Un, has recently amazed the world with his wonderful new hair style. There is probably nothing one can do to one's appearance that is more effective in showing everyone that you really, really, really don't care at all what people think you about you, than to have a completely insane-looking hairstyle of your own invention.

Now, which other Dear Leader can you think of who would benefit from this sartorial inspiration? You guessed what I was going to do, didn't you? With his popularity waning in spite of his five or six photo-opportunities a day, Our own soon-to-be-dumped Dear Leader, David Cameron should perhaps try this. 

If nothing else, it will take attention away from the curious gestures he seems unable to stop making. I believe this one is called "Jazz Hands". The hair style would also make people think he was a dictator who it would be dangerous to try to remove. Please, when you see his posts on Google+, feel free to suggest this to him.

Focus on the Beloved Leader

You can not have failed to notice that the Dear Leader is Currently in full election mode. The trouble is, of course, the only experience Callmedave has, from his time before he got the brilliantly intelligent, utterly unbiased, population of Witney to elect him rather than any of the many far better candidates, is as a PR wonk at one of the small television channels whose name I forget.

As a result of that excellent work experience, his idea of how to run an election campaign is all snappy soundbites of slogans with as little meaning as possible, accompanied by photographs of him looking earnestly at things. If I had room today, I'd add a photograph of another Dear Leader in somewhere like North Korea, who is also constantly photographed looking at things. But I don't, and anyway, the current election campaign is here. I think Callmedave's illustrious friend Kim Jong Thing would agree that he has this down to a fine art, and would probably wonder why Callmedave bothers with elections. 

Over the last few days, we have seen photographs in the Vauxhall factory in Luton, with a rather obviously obsolete Bedford van. This will have been designed to appeal to a particular demographic in the Luton area, no doubt. And here is Callmedave attempting to understand how a factory machine of some kind works. Notice that, as usual, he has dressed up to pretend he is like the other, common people in the photograph. It is this slick ability to appeal to lesser intelligences that has enabled him to fit in so effortlessly with those for whom he feels utter contempt, and relies on to pay his drinks bill.


I can't remember which dock this was, and I doubt if Callmedave can either, but I would just point out the absence of any ships. Perhaps it was Portsmouth docks? It doesn't matter, any port will do when you are trying to appeal to dock workers in your PR campaign. You'll notice he can't stop doing those gestures that make him such an adorable public speaker, even though he has managed to find his pocket with one hand.

Of course, our beloved Dear Leader doesn't only visit industrial places to make it look as if he has something to do with the success of those industries that his policies haven't destroyed yet. He also performs in front of audiences, stood at the lectern that has been following him round for ages. I chose this picture because it reminds us that he is constantly claiming to be following something he calls "Our Long Term Plan". I mention this because I have been trying for about three years to find this plan online, and I can't. Sometimes it's a Long Term Economic Plan, the name varies, but the Plan [and it is always pronounced as if it had capitals] is extremely elusive. One might almost begin to imagine that it didn't actually exist, but surely...

As earlier Dear Leaders, such as the blessed Phony Tony, have so often stressed, education is very important. There's no better way to stress this, obviously, than to be photographed with children too young to understand what harm you and your heroine have done to education. On this occasion, Callmedave was proudly announcing that a small part of the money he had cut from education was to be given back over a twenty year Plan, so that he would appear to be giving beeellions to education. This is a standard technique of his increasing popular party. Cut madly for four years, and then announce part of the money will be a new investment in the country, over the next twenty years, except that if you get back in, you resume cutting.

What do I really think of Callmedave, I hear you ask?

Dear Leaders Confronting Obesity

We must all display proper gratitude when our Dear Leaders are so generous as to demonstrate for us the benefits of following their carefully planned diets. Only today, Dear Leader David Cameron (or one of his drones) was ranting about how any poor people who are fat, or addicted to drugs or alcohol, must have their benefits cut to the bone, as it were.It is a fine thing that our slim, fit politicians are so good at leading us by their example. In my illustration of our Dear Leader Callmedave, you will notice that he is cleverly multi-tasking, by also demonstrating the importance of wearing sun screen, if you wish to avoid being mistaken for a cooked lobster. We are indeed fortunate to have a prime minister with such breadth. Of feeling. [Note to self: Check the punctuation later.]

Meanwhile, here is another Dear Leader, Kim Jong Fat, demonstrating that he fully participates in the heroic self-sacrifice, not to mention starvation, that his subjects joyously undergo, in the name of fitness. Note that he has not made the mistake of sitting within reach of the dangerously fattening beers. I am not at all sure what he has on the table in front of him, but I bet he didn't eat it, smoke it, or snort it up his nose. If only we could zoom in on his glasses, and enhance the image, to find out who his companion is!

Let us end with a warning. Some terribly unwise person has rather obviously faked up this picture of the normally very dignified Eric Pickles, Minister of Biscuits and Limousines, by making him look much slimmer than he actually is. Stop doing things like that, whoever you are. It's not big, and it's not clever.

Dear Leaders and Heavy Metal

We start this episode of our 423 part series with a picture, not of a Dear Leader, but a statue of one. Here are some North Koreans bowing to a statue of Kim Il Thingy, made of expensive looking metal.

It is said that the metal for this statue was contributed by the poor people of the country, which would be about 99.9999% of them. I'm sure they were all utterly thrilled to be allowed to contribute to this iconic icon of a glorious and beloved leader.

This, obviously, is the current Dear Leader of our humble country, engaged in a completely humble speech about a previous Dear Leader of altogether rather greater greatness. Naturally, the money for this more modestly sized statue was contributed by the people, although it is important to remember that absolutely none of us are poor.

Winston Churchill liked the occasional, very small, alcoholic beverage. His recipe for a Dry Martini was apparently something like this: Fill a glass with gin, and then glance briefly at a bottle of vermouth on the far side of the room. He was never drunk in public, as is well known. The Labour MP, Bessie Braddock is reported to have once said to him, "Winston, you are drunk." To which Churchill responded, "And you, madam, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning." Unlike Sir Winston, our Beloved Mr Cameron, seen here delivering another of his brief, entirely non-pompous speeches, has been utterly abstemious throughout his life, having never been a member of the Bullingdon Club, and definitely not joined in the smashing up of any restaurants after drinking about five bottles of champagne. In his speech, Callmedave made it completely clear that he was in no way attempting to kill off more poor people than Churchill managed to do. 

Dear me, no! I am glad to have clarified this matter. Here are all the pieces of expensive metal I have been unpatriotically hoarding.

Dear Leaders Looking At Fish

I was humbled by the huge response[1] to my earlier post, in which we saw two Dear Leaders looking at computers rather skilfully. Rather than wait for the inevitable requests for similar items, I bring you the same Dear Leaders, looking at fish. 

Here is the delightfully dapper Kim Jong Chap, in one of his stylish car-coats. The fish he is looking at have been fed on the diced up bodies of people he wasn't terribly keen on, which is why he is smiling. The others are smiling because they don't want to become fish food.[2] His rival in the Dear Leader stakes, meanwhile, has demonstrated his usual unerring choice of the most appropriate garments for one of his routine trips to the jolly supermarket. It's not so easy to see in this small picture, but Callmedave is explaining which fish he wants by mimicking its facial expression. This isn't easy for him, as he has only two possible positions for his lips, invisible, and sex-doll face.[3]

[1] Two Plus 1s, already, and bound to rise.

[2] Allegedly. But probably.

[3] Don't try to tell me you hadn't noticed.

Dear Leaders Looking At Things

Here we see two people who are dearly beloved leaders of their people, looking at computers. Being photographed looking at things is a very important part of being loved by your people, it would seem, especially when you are trying to trick people into re-electing you, which is only important to one of the dear leaders.

 Clearly, it is also important to have a hairstyle that makes you even more loved by your people. The lovely Callmedave has gone for an amusing little crest on the exciting wave at the front of his dynamically swept back hair, which will easily succeed in preventing people from thinking he is a moron with no clue how to do anything more with a computer than play Fruit Ninja while drunk. He has also, sensibly, been photographed with a much better camera than the other guy, whoever he is.



Then again, the beloved Kim Jong Whichever-one-this-is has no truck with elections, and that must make Callmedave very jealous.